The original post was written for Érika Vilhena, our columnist. For the purpose of facilitate access for people from another countries, we made an English version.
———
Many have heard of women who want to practice jiu-jitsu, but their partners don’t allow them, or of women who get upset because their partners train jiu-jitsu. This kind of behavior is common, but to (try to) solve this problem, let’s offer some help to those who still see grappling as a trigger for jealousy and arguments.
First, let me say that everyone has their own goals in jiu-jitsu. There are those who take the practice seriously and aim to improve; those who come just to try it out, with no major expectations; some are drawn in by the hype; others see it as a hobby or a way to stay healthy; and yes, there are even those who come looking to roll with the opposite sex. None of this is new—these types of people exist in every place and in every sport, right? So why does jiu-jitsu cause such a fuss? The answer is simple: grappling stirs up jealousy and feeds the minds of the insecure.
Of course, if your partner practices the sport, it’s understandable to feel threatened when you see them grappling with someone else—engaged in constant, frantic movements that are sometimes so complex you can’t even understand what’s happening. You might just see them close together, sharing sweat, with hands all over the place. Yes, it’s all true, but I promise you wouldn’t find it strange if you understood jiu-jitsu!
The truth is, jiu-jitsu pays a high price for being a sport that is so easily misunderstood by outsiders, and unfortunately, most of these interpretations are not positive. It’s a close-contact sport, and that fact alone is enough to alarm anyone who views their partner as property. Even worse, some people generalize and distrust all practitioners, as if everyone is complicit in inappropriate behavior. Let’s be honest: yes, there are people who come to jiu-jitsu to be around the opposite sex, but there’s something in this “gentle art” that I like to call the natural selection of jiu-jitsu.
This natural selection in a strict gym weeds out the bad apples. If someone doesn’t take practice seriously, is just there to hook up, stirs up gossip or creates awkward situations, or compromises the sensei and the team’s reputation, rest assured—it’s not jiu-jitsu’s fault, but a serious character flaw. People with these traits don’t last long in a disciplined jiu-jitsu academy, because the intense training and the team take care of eliminating them.
Another point to consider is the tendency many people have to project their frustrations and insecurities onto others. They end up committing a huge injustice when they blame jiu-jitsu to justify their lack of confidence in their partner, instead of understanding that jiu-jitsu is a passionate sport—not a platform for extramarital relationships. That’s why it’s so common to hear stories of people being given an ultimatum: “It’s jiu-jitsu or me!”
I can speak from experience, as I’m a woman and have been practicing the sport for almost 19 years. If you ask me if I’ve ever faced harassment on the mat, I’d say yes—but it wasn’t enough to stop me from training, and a few well-executed armbars quickly solved the problem. What do I mean by this? That posture, character, attitude, and communication are essential in all areas of life—whether in a relationship, at work, at school, at home, in the gym, and, of course, on the mat.
So, if you have a partner who loves and practices jiu-jitsu, try to learn more about it before forming conspiracy theories against the sport. Also, be aware that when practiced seriously, jiu-jitsu becomes addictive, making practitioners want to be on the mat as much as possible. Often, there’s no attraction beyond the practice itself—there is respect and camaraderie among training partners, the team becomes a second family, and I know many people who have been forced to choose between jiu-jitsu and a relationship, and they chose jiu-jitsu, ending the relationship. It’s that simple!
